The Shift

April 30, 2020

A client: “What should I expect after a session of Family Constellations?” 

Me: “A feeling of lightness. A new perception. Peace. A reconciliation. A release. A breakthrough. A resolution. And, sometimes nothing.” 

A client: “Nothing?” 

Me: “Healing does not rush. Nothing is guaranteed. It’s up to you. It’s how you will be experiencing that moment. It’s how you will show up. Will you be guarded or opened? Will you want to be right or happy? Will you enter the field with assumptions or openness in your heart and mind? Will you be here to fight or accept? Will you be attending the workshop with an exact resolution on mind?” 

Healing is tricky. 

We all want to heal and we want it to be quick.  

“I’m broken. Something is wrong with me. Help me. Heal me.”

How many times after almost 10 years of practice, I heard those words. And, how many times I had to look into my client’s eyes and tell him: “You are not broken. No one is. It’s only an experience and if you are here today, showing up for yourself, you’ve already done the hardest part, silently concurring with yourself “I deserve better and I ask for help.” 

It takes courage to call. It takes courage to book an appointment. And, it takes even more courage to show up to the appointment. 

You already know that the journey won’t be easy. At first, therapy is great. Someone is finally listening to what you have to say, it’s comforting, it’s sharing your deepest fears and concerns without being afraid of judgement or criticism. But, then after a few sessions it becomes a bit uncomfortable, you’ve been feeling a bit more and past memories have been resurfacing followed by repressed emotions. You can feel the anxiety, sadness, frustration, despair rising back to the surface… That’s a wave of deep emotions. That’s deep and that’s painful even sometimes unbearable. At that moment, you’re thinking ‘I was so much better before that s***”

Here, you have two options: Keep going on or give up. And, you do whatever you can. The choice is yours. Again, healing is part of a good timing, no one will congratulate you at the end of it, only you. It’s between you and only you. It’s about you and only you. It’s not about knowing who was wrong and who was right and why it happened. No, it’s about acceptance, consentement, peace, resolution, reconciliation, love and finally the discovery of your true self. 

You don’t go to therapy because someone asked you to go. You go to therapy because you want it and despite the future difficulties and pains that will be awakened through that deep work you will keep going on. 

Because, there is another step… the most difficult one that will show up at some point and I call it “The Resistance Part”. 

Finally, you are more at ease, you understand yourself better and everything is making sense slowly and surely. You feel more confident and at ease with yourself and your relationships with others. But, then there is that question: “But, if I’m not anxious (depressed, sad, frustrated, addict, overweight, shy …. Name it) anymore, who am I? What is my identity? How do I belong to my family? Everybody in my family is an addict, if I’m not an addict, anymore do I still belong? If I’m not overweight, do I still belong? If I’m happy, with my partner, do I still belong? If I’m successful, do I still belong?” And the list goes on…

At that moment, those questions that you will channel through your adult self will be asked by your inner child (Remember, the little you that you used to be). Because, he/she devoted his/her entire childhood to be seen, heard and recognized by his/her family and especially his/her parents. That’s how we create that connection of belonging even if it might cost us our life. But, we also understood very quickly that our survival depended on those two – at first. 

And, right now,  your adult self is messing up with what you built: ”No, resistance! No way!” 

That moment is critical because you might get scared and stop everything. Is it a shame? No, again it’s your life and your choice. But, after the resistance part, the healing will be waiting for you. So, why give up just one mile away from the finish line? 

I know it’s hard but you did work so hard so hang in there, you can do it. It’s just becoming an adult and telling your inner child: “I know it’s scary but you will still belong, and I’m here now. So, please trust me.” 

Your job is to comfort your inner child that everything will be okay and he/she will still be seen, heard and recognized by his/her family and even though, his/her family does not appreciate that “New You”, it’s still okay because you are here for him/her now. 

As an adult, you are responsible for your life. Your parents will be forever your parents, they will always stand behind you but you need to take charge of your life and be responsible on how you want to live it. 

Ask yourself: 

Why am I still angry? For my parents? Or for me?
Why am I still holding on to that story? 
Why am I still giving up my power to my perpetrator? 
Why am I still depressed? To feel closer to my mother? 
Why is it so hard to open my heart? 

The difference between being an adult and being a child, is needing vs. wanting. 

As a child, we need. As an adult, we want. 

What do you want? Or, what do you still think that you need in order to be happy? 

And, if you know what you need just, change the verb. 

For example, instead of I need a partner => I want a partner. I need more money => I want more money and so on… 

The “Want” will put you in charge and so empower your adult self. 

So, enjoy your healing journey and always remember, the real healing will happen by living your life. 

Do you want to live your life? 

Marine Sélénée