Owning

May 31, 2020

“At the age of 25, I was introduced to the Family Constellations process. I was pretty skeptical about it, but at that time, I was so desperate that I had nothing to lose. I already knew what I wanted to work on, my Love life and I already knew why that latter was only pure chaos – the fault of my father. With the full weight of my 25 years of experience (and that famous arrogance particular to our 20’s!), I entered the field convinced of my analysis. That is to say my perception was not the reality of the situation. The field showed me that, actually, women in my family had the tendency of not trusting men so emasculating them and as a result, men felt disempowered and weak in comparison to their strong and fearless women. And, that dynamic did create a separation between men and women and a fake belief – Women are strong. Men are weak. So, on a subconscious level, out of loyalty, I was following that fake belief – only being attracted to ‘weak’ men that I had to take care of while, actually, I wanted to be taken care of.” 

I could go on with the story, but it is not the purpose of my writing. I just wanted to give an example when you are just convinced about a situation and you find someone to blame for it, while actually the truth of the situation is not at all your perception or assumption about it. 

It happened to me a lot and if I refer to all of the stories of my clients, I know I’m not the only one. 

Why is that? 

Because it is easier to put the blame on someone else than actually, take responsibility for our life and who we are at that moment. Just as much as I was loving that power that I had on my former boyfriends, I was rejecting it. Because it was not aligned with who I was but rather than taking a deeper look on my own behavior, I found the perfect culprit – my father. It took me years to disentangle myself from that fake belief and, finally make peace with my father and to some extent, the masculine side of my family. 

It’s a question of balance between masculinity and femininity, between our women’s lineage and our father’s lineage, between our mother and father and between our masculine and feminine side. It’s receiving from both, equally because we do deserve to get from both. We don’t have to make a choice and we should not. Even though the narrative in our family was: “Be careful, men are liars. Be careful, women are witches. We cannot trust our men. Your father was such a weak person. Your mother was crazy, I had to leave her.” 

Forget about the story. What do you want? How do you want to feel with your partner? What do you want to create? Do you want to live with fears? Or Love? Do you want to be guided by untrustworthiness or by acceptance? Do you want to be at war with the opposite gender? Or, do you want to be at peace? 

It is your choice. It is your life. And, yes you might trigger the family story, you might piss them off but, again, this is your life. What do you want for you? It’s about you and not about them anymore. You’re an adult, you are in charge of how you want to experience it. And, maybe there is a risk of causing pain and distance between you and your family, but maybe there is a higher risk of not living your life as you would have wished, and this will create frustration, anger and aggressiveness. 

When you take responsibilities for your decisions and choices and so your destiny, you have definitely more chances to be a happy adult. 

Remember, a peaceful adult is someone who accepts what he/she did receive and not receive from his/her parents. Acknowledging that the love he/she got was the perfect one and his/her parents, at that time, could not have done better. 

When you hold that vision, you are responsible, and this offers a great sense of freedom and deep bliss. 

Are you ready to own your life? 

Marine Sélénée