Consent

October 25, 2019

“At the age of 13, my life took a new turn. I was sexually assaulted by a man of 16 years old. I froze and then I forgot. I created a blank for that episode. It never existed and I just kept going on with my life. A few years after, I started dealing with depression. No one understood. I had everything – A lovely home, family and friends – just a regular teenager. I started seeing a psychologist, but she was not the right one for me, so I stopped. And, then I read the book “The instinct to heal” by David Servan Schreiber. In his book, he mentioned the EMDR method. I wanted to try so I found someone and finally, after years of turmoil I was able to talk, I was able to put words on that episode. Because, no matter what, it did happen, and it was just waiting for me silently through depression to be acknowledged and finally healed.” 

And, it takes time to come to that place where we are ready to talk, to open up and to feel so vulnerable. Vulnerable because it’s so deep, it’s a piece of us that can explain so much and clarify so many behaviors and/or reactions. 

That’s the first step to name it, to put words in the no-understandable, to squeeze light in the crack, to just surrender to that past occurrence without judgment, shame or guilt. 

And, in order to do that, we have to feel safe. 

Whoever you choose, please feel safe with that person. 

And then the second step is to feel. Feeling those repressed feelings and emotions. Because, when we feel, we reconnect to our body. We start sensing again, we start exploring Life again. We start reclaiming our true self and so Life. We start enjoying again. 

And slowly we start peeling off those protective layers, destroying that wall that has been encircling our heart, we start embracing freedom. 

And with that freedom, that third part will come, acceptance. Accepting and consenting to what was without trying to change or analyze it anymore. It happened and it was not your fault and you don’t need to wait for your perpetrator to apologize because first of all, you might wait a long time and then, you don’t need her / his apology in order to move on. It is your choice to move on, it is your choice to be a victim or not. 

And I know it’s hard to break free from the victim mindset and it can even be unfair, but it has to happen. It has to happen if you want to be free, if you want to move on, if you want to love and be loved, if you want to build a life that looks like you. 

You can enjoy your aliveness and your sensuality, pleasure and sexuality regardless of what happened. 

Because what happened does not define the man or woman that you are. You’re also in charge and responsible for defining who you want to be.

Consenting is being responsible for the life that we want. It’s claiming that my past is my past and I will only use it as one of my strengths, it can even guide me to find a career that I deeply cherish and find meaning within it. 

What do you need to acknowledge in order to break free? 

What do you need to name in order to release that heavy weight on your shoulders? 

Which feelings have you been repressing? 

Do you still feel ashamed about something that happened to you? 

You don’t have to deal with it on your own. You can also ask for help. 

Family Constellations helped me. And, maybe it can help you too. 

Marine Sélénée