Bringing order back

October 1, 2020

In Family Constellations Therapy, one of the most common themes is “Order and Disorder”. No matter what you’ve been struggling with, it’s a matter of bringing order back into your life and then, finally feeling like you belong. Your pain is always, more or less, connected to a lack of belonging. 

You want to belong. I want to belong. We want to belong. That’s how we keep moving on. That’s how we keep surviving. That’s how we keep giving birth to a new generation. 

Belonging is the key word to being a happy child and adult. 

When we belong, we feel seen, heard and recognized and we become unstoppable – knowing that we can always go back to our family and they will always welcome us back with open arms and heart. 

Simple, isn’t it? 

But, now how many of us felt like we belonged as we were? With our own identity? Values? Beliefs? How many of us were allowed to be their true self in their family? How many of us were not hindered by their family? How many of us felt safe enough to express their emotions and feelings? Use their voice? 

Well… After almost 10 years of being a therapist, I have to say… not many… And, don’t get me wrong, your family, your parents, did the best they could but, again, maybe they did not feel that they belonged to their family so offering you that gift of belonging might also have been a challenge. 

Have you been adopted? Right now, you might struggle with belonging, a sense of being rooted and grounded. Why is that? Because, your biological parents decided to cut your roots right away and again, maybe it was the best decision that they could’ve made but as Bert Hellinger repeated over and over again, a child is always better with his own family. 

How could you reconcile with what was and what is? By placing behind you, your biological parents and then your adoptive parents on their side, hopefully you got great ones and, if not, you can still work with the inner parents. I’m not saying it would be easy but the more you will offer a strong foundation to your inner child, the more your adult self will feel empowered. 

Again, it’s not about being perfect, it’s about living with that scar, wound, pain and making it one of your strengths. Your story will always be your story but, you are the one deciding what you want to do with it – A burden or a Blessing. 

Are you the first generation born in the country that your parents chose in order to offer to their future children a better future? How do you feel with that pressure? Are you the one thriving right now? And, so feeling in charge of your entire family? Or, maybe feeling guilty? So, as a ripple effect self -sabotaging one or several areas of your life? It’s heavy to be the chosen one. 

With that dynamic, the reconciliation happens when you finally accept and trust the destinies of your parents (and family) and yours – without feeling guilty of doing ‘better’. That’s actually what every parent wants for their children, “do better than me’. By accepting your fate and respecting the destiny of your parents, you will give yourself permission to embrace your life to the fullest. 

There is also the disorder with the deceased – staying with them because it is too painful to let go of them. We cannot live in between the physical and non-physical world. It’s draining for you and for the family system because Life is not accepted as a gift but as a burden. 

Letting go with peace and love to your dead family members is not only a marvelous gift for you but also for them. They don’t want you to follow them, they want you to live your life and then, one day make your transition. Here is the powerful affirmation: “As for now, I will take care of my life and the gift of Life that I received from my family. One day, we will meet again. By honoring my life, I honor yours.” 

What have you been struggling with? Can you find where the disorder is? If so, reconcile with it. You have so many tools to finally bring peace and love back and always keep in mind that it is okay to ask for help and if you feel the connection with me, it’d be my pleasure to be on your side. 

Again, it takes a village to be your most, amazing true self.

Marine Selenee