Why do I still feel anxious? I’ve tried a bunch of therapy and I’m still suffering. Nothing is working. What’s wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you. The root of the problem is still here. Until you uncover it and dissolve it, you’re just going to repeat it again.
Does Family Constellations have anything to do with horoscopes or Astrology?
No, it has nothing to do with your horoscope or constellations in the sky, and everything to do with your family system and your ancestors. It’s an alternative therapeutic method developed by Bert Hellinger in the ‘50s.
When you look at your family system, it looks like a constellation—standing in your place, shining your own light, but also shining for others.
What does the “family” part in Family Constellations mean?
The life stories of generations before you unconsciously determined something about your life, behaviors, decisions, and choices. The three generations before you had the biggest impact on you, and each generation impacts different aspects of yourself.
With the birth of a new generation, your place in the Family Constellation will switch. This is why you can be the change for future generations by getting to know yourself and healing past family wounds.
I never knew my great grandparents—how do different generations impact me today?
Each generation has a different style of influence.
Your great grandparents (+ their siblings) determine: philosophies, ideas, beliefs and the framework of the family system.So, if your great grandmother was a strong, independent woman and the men were seen as weak, you may have a history in your family of strong women and submissive men.
Your grandparents (+ their siblings) determine: Emotions and feelings of the family system. Why? Because through them you can understand your parents’ emotions, feelings, and reactions. So, if your father was emotionally unavailable, when you look at his parents, his mother or father may have also been emotionally unavailable.
Your parents (+ their siblings) represent: creativity, identity and sexuality of the family system. Therefore, if your father was emotionally unavailable, you may attract emotionally unavailable men (until the wound is healed.) Also, the relationship of your parents may have an unconscious influence on your own love life because it determines what you believe. For example, if there is respect, love and acceptance in the relationship of your parents, then you might believe that in your own love life, you deserve love and respect. And yes, the opposite may be true too… (until the pattern is healed.)
Your generation (you+ your siblings) determine: How you share in life and how you show up in the world. This means how you share your environment in life and how you take your place in the world. So, the oldest child might show up as more of a leader. As the first child they may feel more in charge or in control. They usually repeat this pattern of leadership and taking care of others in their adult life.
Do I need to come with my family?
No! You are your family! There is no need to bring your mother or father, unless you want to share something special with him or her. You are more than enough, and you have everything within yourself that will help heal what has been bothering you.
How do we heal and feel whole through Family Constellations?
We recognize and acknowledge everyone, giving them a place. By doing this, you can claim your own place without shame and guilt of wanting more. You can be yourself and live your life with your own principles.
Keep in mind that the family system needs reparation. The wound will always look for something else to take care of it until the trauma is healed.
For example, if someone was rejected in a previous generation (ie someone was homosexual, or committed suicide) there is a gap—a missing link in the family system—so in the next generation, someone elsewould have to repair it. If not, the same patterns will continue or repeat. The wound is unconscious, but it’s there.
How does one person’s trauma still impact me? My childhood was great!
Everyone belongs. Every person needs to be seen, valued, and heard. If one person is missed, the foundation will be shaky. If many people in a family unit are not valued, loved, or heard, there may be extreme behaviors throughout the family system, because every human needs to be seen.
I know I had trauma in my family. How do I heal it?
In order to heal, you have to go back into your past and your story. You have to re-frame and re-program the story by detecting the subconscious block that’s repeating. So, if you feel rejected by men because your dad was emotionally unavailable, you have to go back and heal these wounds, so you can be free of this block. Once the block is dissolved, you can write your own story—as your whole, fully expressed self.
I feel like something happened in my family but no one never talked about it. It’s bothering me but I have no clue! What can I do on my own? Can we still resolve it?
Yes, you can heal it without knowing everything. In Family Constellations, we don’t need all the details. We trust the field and your body’s reactions, feelings and emotions. So don’t worry if you are not aware of everything or don’t know stories about your parents. For example, if you were adopted, or one of your parents doesn’t talk to their parents anymore, we will still be able to heal the situation.
How can I write my own story?
Your family unit gives you clues about who you are. But in no way does it define who you are. You always have the ability to heal and write your own story. Once you locate and identify the blocks, you’ll understand the ways your family was holding your full expression. Through this awareness comes healing, resolution, and ultimately freedom.
Why am I still living in fear? Why do I still feel afraid?
Because every child is a new opportunity for the family system to heal. As a child, the first subconscious “mission” is to heal, fix, or save the family situation. Meaning, if your mom was depressed, you may be depressed, so you and your mom are together. Alternatively, you may become the funny one, to make your mom laugh (in an attempt to heal her.)
Or, if at the age of 16 you wanted to travel the world, but grew up in a family of farmers who never left home, you’ll have a subconscious fear of not belonging. Will you still feel loved by them? Will you still be valued in your family unit, by being the person you’re here to be? This is where the fear lives.
What does Family Constellations Method do to restore this?
The Family Constellations Method guides you towards healing the past in order to move on. Then, you can write a new story—the one aligned with your most authentic self. This is the main work of Family Constellations.
How this works:
First: Acceptance and respect towards your past with your family, including what you did and did not receive. Not changing it, but acknowledging and understanding the wounds of your entire family system.
Then:Writing your own story. Giving yourself the life you want.
What if I’m not ready to forgive?
In Family Constellations you practice consentment more than forgiveness. Forgiveness is up to you. With forgiveness there is a risk—it can sometimes bring a superior/inferior dynamic. With consentment you are equals, and accept what is. Forgiveness is more personal. Again, to be at peace with an adult is accepting what you did receive and did not receive.
I understand the method but my story is heavy. I experienced significant traumas and it’s difficult to be at peace with. Can Family Constellations help me release myself from sexual abuse, violence, or murder?
If you were sexually or physically abused or experienced severe traumas like hiding in order to not get killed during war, I understand you may still have concerns.
I want you to know: even your darkest and most painful hours do not define you. While we may not practice respect and acceptance toward your perpetrator, we acknowledge your experience and ultimately yourself. Your inner child (or at whichever age you unconsciously/consciously lost faith in your life, humanity, God, the Universe—but mainly in yourself) needs you more than anything.
We can take her/him out of the darkness. We can come back to your present moment.
Family Constellations Method can help. It won’t erase what happened to you, but it will help you build a new foundation with renewed strength. You deserve the best—to live life free from your past, fully in your power. No person, no experience, can take that from you.
How do you dig into the subconscious in a session?
At the beginning of the session you’re going to share what you would like to work on—meaning what’s disturbing you. Then, I will ask you a few questions to get a full understanding of what you have been experiencing or struggling with. Then, I will guide you through the process of Family Constellations.
Normally, you will feel emotions rise to the surface that will help recognize the blocks.
Then, myself or the facilitator may ask you to repeat simple but effective sentences, such as: “You are my mother. I am your daughter. I take you as you are,” and hopefully, get a resolution.
Don’t worry if you feel resistant. Healing takes time. There is no rush, but be assured that you will always get something from a Family Constellations session to help you repair your relationship with your inner child and family, with love.
What happens in a Family Constellations workshop?
At the beginning of the workshop, the facilitator will ask all of the participants what they would like to work on. Then, participants will have the opportunity to constellate it. Whoever asks to get their own constellation will have the chance to look at their issue or concern.
Nothing is mandatory, and there is always an option to pass. The facilitator will ask basic questions about your family history and the area of your life that you’re working on. After, you will be asked to choose people in the group to represent the different key components in your family system. You will place them in the “Knowing Field”—the center of the room designated as the place where helpful information can be accessed. Finally, you will take your own place.
The root of the issue will unfold as the representatives start to feel the feelings of the people or aspects they are representing.
Once an entanglement is discovered, an excluded family member is revealed, or another obstacle to the flow of love appears, you will be guided on what to say to restore the balance and harmony in the system. You will be amazed when you see the bigger picture and how seemingly unrelated things are connected.
Not every constellation ends with a clear resolution, but each one provides a step towards healing and the opportunity for movement where there was none before. When a constellation does arrive at a profound resolution, everyone feels the shift. Hugs and smiles often break out spontaneously as a new healthier pattern is established.
How can Family Constellations teach us to accept others and support a more inclusive society?
We are all a part of a family system—so it just makes sense. If we feel angry or depressed, it’s because we feel hurt. We all need acceptance and respect. When we see and accept our family as it is, it will be much easier to accept others who are not a part of our primary system. If all seven billion people were at ease with their family, it would be a peaceful world.
Why can we repeat a pattern, behavior or story we have not personally experienced?
Because ofthe unconscious loyalty we have between each other in the family system.
Everyone in our family belongs and needs to be seen, valued and heard. If anyone did not feel recognized and acknowledged by the family system, then in one of the next generations, a new family member would have to heal it. This is why another person may repeat what happened earlier, in order to repair the harm in the family system.
Can we use the method of Family Constellations in a company or business structure?
Yes! I offer Organizational Workshops for businesses, corporations, and entrepreneurs.
If you’re interested in diving deeper into the resolution of blockages that prevent your company from flourishing, or are interested in increasing the wellbeing of your company, I invite you to explore The Constellating Process influenced by Bert Hellinger’s work. Several thousand professional practitioners worldwide apply his original insights to a broad range of personal, organizational and political applications with great success.
Organizational Workshops offer a powerful, far-reaching method for exploring burning issues and entrenched patterns in organizations and communities. They reveal hidden dynamics is key areas such as: leadership, conflict resolution, relationships between stakeholders or founders and their successors. You’ll also receive a broadened perspective towards company culture, progressive innovation and organizational restructuring.
The intention of this method is to empower the business and employees to create a new, fresh, and powerful encouragement to their ambition in the workforce—resulting in empowered growth, expansion and success from the bottom-up
What’s the scientific approach behind Family Constellations alternative therapeutic method?
The scientific approach is epigenetics—meaning the changes in organisms are caused by changes in gene expression—rather than altering the genetics themselves.
Epigenetics is the study of changes in gene expression that do not involve changes to the DNA sequence. Meaning, a change in phenotype but no change in genotype. So the genefunction is impacted, without changing the genetics—or the DNA sequence. (Wikipedia)
For example, in a recent study published by the French publication Science & Vie, “Nos Ancetres et Nous” (Our Ancestors and Us), scientists discovered how mice passed on trauma they experienced. Two generations later, a new generation of mice did not experience the same trauma, however, they displayed the same symptoms as the mice who did experience it.
The interesting and hopeful discovery here is when these mice were put in a safe environment, the trauma was released, and they no longer displayed symptoms. Their social environment changed and they changed, because they were cared for and loved.
How is this the same for people?
Let’s look at family generations after the holocaust. People in a family system may display symptoms of survival guilt (such as self-sabotage or bankruptcy) that was never healed. When we look at the past, we’re able to locate the root of this wound on a subconscious level and heal it through love, acceptance, understanding and acknowledgement. Once the root of this wound is healed, it will no longer repeat itself, because it’s been acknowledged and repaired.
For more information on this, read this beautiful blog post by Daniella’s Rabbani.
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