November 29, 2018

How do we know that we belong?

How do we feel when we know that we belong?

Which strengths come from knowing that we belong?

Is it innate?

Do we need to practice it?

Do we need to learn from someone else?

Does belonging need to be passed on?

What’s the secret of those people who captivate with their quiet strength?


A sense of belonging.
An important theme in Family Constellations.

A few weeks ago, I had a Family Constellations workshop. I offered a woman the opportunity to get her own constellation. She said ‘yes’. So, I asked her what she wanted to work on. She mentioned a few things regarding the fact that she couldn’t see herself and her awesomeness.

From her sharing, I set up the constellation. She was standing with her inner child on her side and then, I asked all of the participants to come behind her in order to create a few generations, parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and so on. And, finally, I demanded her to turn around, face the first generation and repeat out loud to both of them: “I see you. You belong.

The tone of her voice was already shaky and pretty low. When she started facing the other generation (The grandparents’ one), she couldn’t talk anymore, she started crying and she told me that saying “You belong” was really hard. It took her a few minutes to calm down and then, the representative of her inner child finished the work on her behalf, acknowledging all of the other generations, giving them all a place to be, a place to be seen and ultimately, a place to belong.


When we are unable to see ourselves, it first means that we never felt seen by our parents, our family or the person who raised us. And so, by not being seen, acknowledged and recognized how can we possibly feel that we belong?

When we regard something or someone, we give that person, emotion or object, a meaning and so it becomes part of our life, it has a place, it gets the affirmation that: “Yes, you are seen and so you are important. You exist. You have a place.

As a consequence, it reinforces our life, our importance to be alive and to be part of a system, our family system and that no matter what will happen next, we will always have a safe place to go back to.

This is the gift of belonging – Not being afraid of moving on because deep down, you know that behind you, behind your back, there is an army of people that will always catch you again and again and tell you: “Always here. Anywhere you go we will follow you. Don’t be afraid of your mistakes. Learn. Go back to us. Move on. Fail. Succeed. Love. Forever here for you.”


And, the picture that right now I have in my mind is when a toddler is trying to take his first steps and the parents are right behind, so encouraging, so proud and they also have that beautiful way of de-dramatizing if their little boy or girl falls down again, whispering to his/her little ears: “You can do it again, it’s okay. Mom and Dad trust you. Mom and Dad are proud of you.”

We should always be those parents. Even when our teenager drives us nuts, when our son is an addict, when our daughter rejects our hugs, when our children become grown-ups. Because, don’t be fooled no matter how old we are, we will always need our parents, encouraging us, whispering to us that they see us and that we have a place.


And, if at that moment, you are petrified of moving on, you are incapable of seeing yourself and your amazingness, please whatever you are doing, stop it. Grab a pocket mirror, go to your bathroom, use the camera on your phone and look at yourself, in a deep way, breathe and say out loud: “I see you. You belong.” And, repeat it every day until you buy it at 100%.


We can have generations of unseen family members; the good news is it only takes one person to change the dynamic from being unseen to being seen. We can be the shift. We can break free. We can give a place to everyone in our family – Recognizing our women’s or men’s lineage and/or acknowledging one destiny that unfortunately felt rejected by the family system.

When everyone has a place, when everyone belongs, when the dead are recognized and Life is celebrated, the family system can expand and so move forward.

And, as a matter of fact, it is the only right direction: Moving forward.


May you move forward with your family.
May you be present for your family.
May you celebrate Life as it is.
May you respect your family.
May you accept your family.
May you receive from all of them.
And, may you dare to be happy with the Life that is right in your hands.

Wishing you a lovely end of year with your loved ones.

Marine Sélénée